Despicable You
by Pharaoh-chan
Summary: Is it so hard for the Bank of Evil to give out loans to newbie villains these days? Join the new villain in her attempts at raising money to fuel her nefarious scheme- with annoyances from the crazy nerd, Vector and her own failure attempts.
1. Declined

It was a brilliant plan, really. If I did say so myself. But even if I weren't myself I'd attest to the brilliance of it. All the pieces of the puzzle were there. The only problem being….funding.

I crossed my arms, leaning against the leather upholstery as I glared nervously at the clock. FUNDING. Curse my lack of richness. If I had the cahoonas to steal money from a store or a bank or something I'd be in business but I lacked both the skills and time necessary to pull third-rate crimes like that off. It wasn't as if I had minions or lackeys to do it for me either.

I was new to this whole open-ness to villainy sort of deal. Much less trying to run with the 'big dogs' as you might call them. I was a noob. Is that word even applicable to this? Being a 'noob' to villainy? Pah, whatever. It's my head after all, I can say whatever I want in it. This was by far the longest wait for ANYTHING I've ever waited for in my entire life. I rose to my feet and stumbled towards the large desk where a skeletal, decrepit, angry looking lady sat with her hair pulled back in a bun. Her small pupils glared at me over her thin wire frame glasses as I approached.

"Hi there- uh…." I leaned over the desk, peering at her name plate. "Judith. Heh, that's a nice name. Very….uh….rustic. And uhm… fitting for your face. Your face goes with the name nicely."

She continued to glare, silent. Uh-oh…not a good sign. Better try another tactic…

"…Soooo…how long exactly have you been working here?" Idle conversation, good move- smart move.

"I've been working here for forty years." She answered in a monotone, even voice, long fingers typing away on the keyboard and her eyes kept on the screen. That was major skill- but nonetheless, forty YEARS? She must've been dirt old, man.

"That is…" Find a word. A good word. ANY word except 'wow'. "….WOW." Curses! " I-I mean wow, that's really great to be uh…so…INVOLVED with a company of…such… villainous stature…and…uhm…richness…" Her eyes were burning a hole in my face as I stumbled for a coherent sentence. "You must really uh…like it here." I finally looked directly at her, a cheesy grin on my face. She stared back with her mighty 'I like no one, not even puppies' face and adjusted her glasses. This stare down lasted several moments before I finally cleared my throat, drumming my fingers on her desk. "So uh…when exactly is my appointment again, Judith?"

"11:00." She answered. Man, NOTHING could break this woman. I bet if she smiled, her whole face would just BREAK.

"…It's 10:50." I said, glancing up at the clock above her.

"…11:00."

"…Judith." I leaned against the counter, an attempt to look cooler and more collected than I really was. "Would ten minutes really be such a difference?"

"11:00." She insisted, in her voice devoid of emotion or caring.

Slapped down. "But-"

"Mr. Perkins will see you at and ONLY at your scheduled time."

I pushed off of the counter with a long, heavy sigh. I slouched all the way back in utter defeat, my sigh still drawling on in exaggeration until I slumped into the leather seat. This wait was going to kill me. Really, five minutes though. C'mon.

"Fine- fine." I murmured to myself. "No big deal. Could use the ten minutes to run over what I'm gonna say I guess. Never hurts for preparedness." I took a deep breath and mumbled out my rehearsed monologue of my pitch. He'd HAVE to give me the loan, right? When he heard how full of awesome sauce this plan was. Yea- it'd be good, great. Just keep it together.

I continued my little pep-talk trying to will my stomach from throwing up its' breakfast-y contents, because the last thing that would help my plea for mula was upchucked Cheerios all over his floor. I finally froze up from rocking in my seat when I felt someone watching me. Whoa- talk about looming in the shadows, there was a DUDE chilling out across from me the whole time and I never even SAW. Guy's got supreme ninja skills all quiet like that!

"Hey.~" He crooned over at me. Instead of offering a normal greeting back I merely stared, still sort of surprised that I hadn't seen him there. I continued to stare at him with my lips puckered into a 'fishy face' before I finally tore my eyes away to glance at the clock above Judith. 10: 52, AHHHHHHHH- go faster time!

When I looked back at the lounge chair across from me- guy was GONE! Maybe he really was a ninja- there were super villainous ninjas out there, right?

"SO! Whatcha' here for?" I let out a girly squeal, flailing my noodle-y arms as I shot halfway across the couch, staring into the face of said ninja assailant.

"GAH- uh…nngh….a loan?" Wasn't expecting him to truck it all the way to my seat and right next to me. Kinda nerdy looking guy to be in a place like this.

"For what?" He pressed on, sliding closer- personal space, man!

"For stuff." I answered, sliding away a few inches, trying to busy myself with keeping tabs on the clock. Was it me, or did that second hand slow down?

"Yeah, I figured it'd be for STUFF, but what kind of stuff?" He leaned forward all up into my business, awaiting an answer like a puppy waits for a milkbone.

" PRIVATE stuff!" I sat back, glaring at him from over my knees. Just what did this guy think he was doing? Like I'd tell him my plans- it wasn't any of his business.

"Hey, just making conversation, no need to start crying." He grinned, sitting back finally, his nauseatingly bright orange ensemble making a scratchy noise against the leather.

"I'm not CRYING- I just don't…like to share." I crossed my arms over my chest, looking pompously at the ceiling and away from him. "I'm a very private person." Pft, that was a total lie. I was obnoxiously flaunting but he didn't have to know that. Seemed he didn't care to carry on the curiosity for my motives any longer though, and was already focused on another subject completely.

"You're probably totally aware of who I am-"

"Not really…"

He frowned before erupting into an introduction, "The name's Vector!" He flashed me a Spock hand sign in the shape of a 'V' for his name I guess.

He paused, awaiting some sort of reply from me, for what, I have no idea. "Like the mathematical term." I could see he was expected _some_ sort of indication of some kind of approval or something so I finally forced a nod. "Means a quantity that has both direction and magnitude! So that's me- committing crimes with both direction and magnitude! OH YEAH!" Did they let guys like these on the premises? I mean- I'm not really a step up, maybe just barely considering I don't wear bright orange pajamas. I finally just turned away, trying to control myself from letting out a laugh, but despite my polite turn, he was still put-off.

"Well whaddya think? Is it not the coolest name you've ever heard?"

"Uh…it's….y'know, okay. Doesn't….sound really villainous." I wasn't trying to be mean, really I wasn't! I mean- considering I hadn't even come up with a menacing name or title for myself yet I had no room to talk.

"Of course it's villainous! It's subtle and besides, I like my work to speak for itself." He gave off a sigh as if his 'work' was in fact at that moment, making him proud and speaking for itself although there was nothing but us and a couch.

"10:56- c'moooooooon." I half-whined, staring up at the clock, expecting it to take pity on me and jump to 11.

He looked over at me with his goofy black rimmed specs, "This is your first time here, isn't it?"

Did it look so OBVIOUS that I was out of place here? Out of my element? Gah, don't let him smell your fear. Be cool, confident. Besides, with an outfit like that, how serious of a villain could HE be? Probably in the same boat as I am!

"No." I crossed my arms, sniffing at the air. "I've been here many-a time." Many-a time? Yeah, that was convincing. Sounded old-school.

"Pft- can I get an order of dirty, rotten liar with that?" He practically sing-songed. I scrunched up my face.

"NOT lying for your information! I've totally been here. Why am I even explaining myself to you, anyways?" I sat back, my feelings of nervousness magnifying.

"How come I've never seen you then? If you're here ALL the time as you claim."

Who did this smug little punk think he was? The….the OVERSEER of the masses flooding in and out of here? The guard?

"I…..you….THAT IS….none of your business." Flustered, I finally stood up, staggering towards the all mighty puppy-hating Judith. "It's 10:58!" I exclaimed, practically throwing away all my pride to beg her to let me in early.

"Eleven."

"But!"

"Oh."

"Please?"

"Clock."

I let out a frustrated sigh, raking my fingers through my hair, wandering once again, defeated, back to my seat before spotting Vector smirking at me. Then I swerved into the other direction towards the opposite chair that he'd been sitting on before he came over to bother me.

Did that stop him though? No. It only encouraged him to pester me further. He abruptly flew off of his spot on the opposing couch and next to me before my butt even hit the seat.

"Nervous? Don't worry about it. Lots of newbies come in for loans. If your plan's good enough, you'll get one."

"I'm not a newbie. I'm totally criminally INSPIRING." Pftbltlbt, who did I inspire? "And what's more, I'm not nervous. My plan is ingenious." Actually thinking back on it now, it wasn't so ingenious as it was far-fetched, but HE didn't have to know that.

"What is it?~" He shuffled closer to me, tilting his head in anticipation.

I opened my mouth, almost slipping right into his trap- HAH! Not today buster! You think I'd be so stupid as to actually DISCUSS my plans to you so that you can steal them and pass them off as your own? I THINK NOT.

"Very clever you are- Victrola." I countered. My specially made-up nickname in place of his own seemed to irritate him as his smirking face was brought into a frown. Hah- I made a funny. Vector. Victrola. Sounds nothing alike but hilarious all the same. "But it would seem that my mind is as fast if not faster than yours." I looked up at the clock- Sheesh, if the clock had gone any slower it'd be going backwards. 11 o'clock on the dot. I don't know how much longer I could've taken of this. I stood up, stretching my arms in an over-exaggerated manner.

"Weeellllllllp. It's been nice knowin' ya, Vec. Best ten minutes of my life, yea." I coughed, tipping my hand to my forehead in a half-salute to him. Yeah, I was feeling a lot better, relieved actually that I could finally go in and get away from Sir Nerds-A-Lot. If I was seen hanging around guys like HIM, who would actually take me seriously?

I strutted towards the desk, pointing at the clock and flashing a thumbs-up to Judith who merely sent one final death glare my way before replying, "Mr. Perkins will see you now."

OF COURSE HE WILL! I couldn't help but give off a goofy grin as I skedaddled down the hallway, (yes, skedaddled) towards the large elevator doors. I reached out, pushing the button in and stood there, almost shaking in anticipation and anxiousness. If I shook any more, I'd become a human milkshake or something.

The doors finally opened and I stepped inside, noting the very vague music streaming in from the sound system installed inside. It sounded so dainty and relaxing- which was odd considering the place and all. I stood there, my stomach in a jumble of nerves as the elevator made its climb to Mr. Perkins' quarters.

Just….just be cool. Look like you know what you're talking about, even if you don't.

Finally the doors slid open and I was staring down a long, cold hallway, leading up to a set of large doors. There was no turning back now, even if I WANTED to cry and huddle into a mass and hide in the corner of the elevator- eventually I'd have to do what I came here for. I needed this. So putting aside my craving to sob pathetically and throw up, I marched down the hall, reciting my pitch quietly.

Whatever you do- I told myself, DO NOT. FORGET. YOUR PITCH. Agh, would that not be the worst thing? I get the gumption to get all the way here only to forget everything I was going to say! He was going to think I was this crazy, stupid kid with no ideas whatsoever! Like….like some BUG on the windshield of his life.

I want to go home. Choke, sob.

Finally there I stood, in front of the massive doors of hell, preparing for my imminent doom. It was just a loan. Just. A. Loan. Why is this so nerve-wracking? I sucked in a huge breath, filling my wavering lungs with hopefully enough oxygen to keep me from passing out, and slowly opened the door, poking my head inside.

It wasn't scary or filled with flames of doom and despair. But it might as well have been. It was still a big, foreboding room. Even if it had a nice looking desk. But even all the nicest furniture in the world couldn't distract me from the hulking and terrifying figure that loomed OVER said desk, staring me down.

"Mr. Perkins!" I tried to address him with confidence but it came out as a scratchy ear-demeaning squeak. Cough. "I uh…" Oh God- has it come to this? I've forgotten how to say hello?

"Yes, come in." His voice was like a thousand angry hammers on the wall that was my face.

I scrambled in, the heavy door making a deafening slam as I slowly crept to the small chair provided across from him. Geez, I didn't even get a nice comfy looking armchair or something? I struggled to balance on the small seating provided and folded my hands in my lap to keep them from shaking. Those few quite moments were the most horrifying moments of my life. He continued to stare at me as I stared back with wide-eyes, like a deer caught in someone's headlights.

"Is there something you intended to say?"

Oh.

Poop.

"Uh-huhn!" I nodded fervently, clearing my throat, my face still etched in terror no doubt. "I uh….I had this plan…" Suddenly I wasn't feeling so hot, not that I was before, but at least before I could form somewhat reasonable sentences! Now, no matter how hard I tried, nothing came out making any sense. It seemed as if this was my only opportunity to impress him and I was blowing it big time!

"It's…" WORD. USE YOUR WORDS- SAY SOMETHING! I could tell he was already losing interest and his patience with my speech impediments was running out. "I'm going to steal the sun." I finally blurted out, catching his glare.

"Excuse me?"

Phew. "Well n-not….LITERALLY because…that'd be crazy." I gave off a nervous laugh. "I….I mean in the….figurative sense. Or actually…in the extraction sense." I grinned out of creepy habit.

He gave me a skeptical look that practically asked me if I was on any major medications- WHICH NO, I was off of, thank you- and leaned back in his seat.

"Proceed."

"W-well…..the…..the plan in its entirety is….basically to create a permanent solar eclipse." Just hear me out, it's crazy I know. "Which wouldn't be too difficult if the moon were placed into position. The problem is….uh….the moon currently is in orbit around our gravitational pull, but if we detached the moon from it, placing it in a position that would consistently block the sun from the Earth-" He thinks I'm crazy, I just know it. I can tell. "We could create a constant solar eclipse."

After a few moments of awkward silence, he finally drummed his fingers on his desk, face devoid of expression. "And _why_- would we do this?"

"….That is an excellent question, my good sir." I cleared my throat again, nervously rocking in my seat as I swiveled to face him head-on. "Erm…we would do this because after phase two of my plan- shutting down the Earth's power grids, the world would be left without electricity. And as you know, working forces like the sun can be an alternative source. People would be left devastated by the power-outage and demand electricity."

"…" Oh, he was hooked now. Yes, now reel him in like a huge fish- wow him with your final phase.

"And then- having nowhere else to turn, we would siphon the sun's energy off to the companies willing to pay a great deal of money for it." Annnnnd done! I leaned forward slightly, my face looking hopeful that I'd been able to get through it quickly without much hesitation.

"….And what exactly would happen when we run out of stored solar energy to sell them?"

"….Uh." I blinked, looking off towards the side as if the answer were hidden there. "Well we wouldn't because we could launch a module into space to collect the sun's rays- and then fly it back here so we'd always have a constant supply and no one else would."

"You have quite an imagination."

I wasn't sure if that was a compliment or not, but nonetheless I continued to lean forward.

"But let's talk about what you're asking for. What you expect to do- is going to take a lot of money, resources. And for something that won't be profiting us for a considerable amount of time. Not to mention there won't be any sun." Wha….what was wrong with no sun? Would you miss it? Honestly? It's just a ball of hot gas.

"Sir…it…I know it's pretty….gutsy of me to come in here being…y'know…so new to this and expect a huge loan. But I really think it'd be worth a shot. I've got the know-how…I just need the funds to pull it off."

"Quite frankly." He continued on as if my feeble pleas had gone unheard. "It's surprising that you think I'd even supply you with funds for something this over-zealous. "

OVER- my jaw practically dropped. I know it SOUNDS crazy but if some idiot managed to pull off stealing an international Egyptian MONUMENT under everyone's noses, I should be able to move the freaking moon out of orbit!

"Sir, please." Was I reduced to begging now? "It's crazy- but aren't a lot of people who walk in here? A lot of plans are bold and out there, but if you take the risk to invest, you've probably found it to be worth it in the end, right?"

He stood up; I automatically leaned back as if he were going to reach out to strike me. "Right?" I squeaked out, losing my nerve.

"Your plan is…passionate, but far overworked. I'm not looking for a long-term investment that may or may not come. It's full of flaws. And for someone just starting out, I think you should take a long look at what you're trying to accomplish."

I….I'm TRYING to accomplish the true heist of the century here and you tell me I'm over-enthusiastic about my plan? Again- INTERNATIONAL MONUMENT. STOLEN. HELLO. Talk about OVER-WORKED.

I honestly was at a loss for words. Was I expecting this kind of reaction? Deep down, probably. Was I stupid enough to think I could get a guy like Mr. Perkins to be okay with giving me millions of dollars without a second thought? Yeah, probably.

I actually can't even process what I said, or TRIED to say, because it came out a blubbering, stuttering mess. All I knew was, my loan was denied, dismissed, and rejected. I don't even remember how I got out into the hall, but there I was, his door shut, our session over, finito.

I slapped a hand to my face, rubbing at it, feeling dejected and pathetic. Should I have rethought it? Was it too big for someone of my stature? Was I biting off way more than I could chew?

Well yeah, but I was in denial for the sake of feeling better about myself.

Good thing the elevator was right there so now I can sob in the comfort of 6 floors before getting off- nnngh, choke-sob. I staggered towards it and stood there, awaiting the doors to fully shut before letting out a small wail, sniffling loudly. "Chh- pull yourself together!" I hissed at myself, giving a light slap to my cheek. "Villains don't cry because their loans are denied! You're not a failure, just… Pull. It. TOGETHER." The music continued to offer background noise to my mini-breakdown. "D'ooooh, man. But I didn't get the loan- I can't even sell my pitch." I slumped over, groaning. "I mean even I don't believe it now- and I'm the one who thought of it!"

I lightly began to bang my head against the doors, "Stupid, stupid, stupid- NNNNNGH!" And finally the doors swung open, me sucking a huge breath in and casually walking out as if nothing had happened and I didn't just start to sob in the Bank of Evil's elevator.

I passed by Judith's desk, her tiny pupils watching me. I gave her a pathetic attempt at a smile, even though I felt like an utter ton of crap. "FARE THEE WELL, Judith." I mumbled under my breath, and she merely dismissed me with a raise of her brow before beginning to type on her computer again.

Shoulders slumped, I continued towards the other end of the room, passing by the lounge couches I was previously sitting on with that Vector dweeb, and was about to pass them up before noticing him annoying another 'customer' seated in my previous spot. It made me feel a little better- knowing someone else now had to deal with the same annoyance. But not by much.

I continued to stare at the strange bald guy being harassed from behind as I passed, and noticed that somehow or another, Vector had pulled what looked like a Nerf Gun out of freakin' NO WHERE and had shot a monstrous, creepy looking fish out of it.

Oh wow. Time to go!

I removed myself as quickly as possible, practically flying to the door. I felt awful enough as it was that my idea was slapped down and I definitely wasn't getting any support from Mr. Perkins- but I couldn't just go home and CRY. Well I could- in fact I probably will in the privacy of my closet but that is HARDLY the point. VILLAINS MUST GO ON! I absolutely was determined to find another way to raise the money- I just had to use my brain!

….Oh poop.

* * *

**WELLLLLLLLLLLL. I just wanted to write Despicable Me fanfic and I got it all planned out and it's just a matter of writing it.**

**NOW. To address some important issues. Many of you will probably ask, "From who's perspective is this FROM? You haven't given us a name!"**

**True- I have not. For two reasons I have done this- ONE, because I honestly did not have one prepared. XD And TWO, because the point of view happens to just be ANYBODY in this case. It's kind of androgenous (for now anyways) because creating an OC is always bad news. I mean, just look at the overwhelming load of Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus out there created so they can be romantically involved with the canon without little to NO explanation whatsoever. So for me, that's personally always a turn off, and I didn't want my first and only Despicable fic to be a turn off.**

**The OC...or rather whoever's perspective this is from, I think for the most part is not a Mary-Sue. Granted there's no background- but for me that isn't the most important part at the moment. All you as the reader has to know, is that one, this person has little experience in being a true supervillain, and is looking to make this career change, but is realizing that they're not very 'good' at it. Thusly where the fail!villainy comes in- and it's always hilarious to read or watch about people feeling. You pity them, you laugh at them, but they're accessible.**

**...I think I'm done being creepy about this. If enough people are okay with this I think I'll put up chapter two. I REEEEALLY hope people like it**.


	2. Sour Business Plan

So I went home and regrouped. While I wasn't expecting for my loan to be denied, it wasn't about to send my dreams crashing down. I came up with something as diabolical as stealing the sun, I can certainly muster up something to attain me money!

Of course I'd rather the funds come in a little faster. Sitting out here in my makeshift lemonade stand in the heat wasn't fun.

…What? It's all I could think of! Little kids did it all the time and it worked! Of course I wasn't so little or adorable but that couldn't have been the only thing that made people buy lemonade from them!

Right?

Well in any case, people would have to come. I was on a public sidewalk- which of course someone would have to pass eventually. And then I'd hit them with my charismatic salesman routine. 'GOOD SIR. You look absolutely parched! Might I interest you in a cool, sweet, delicious beverage- that of which will nourish you and leave you content on this otherwise hot day?"

I'm brilliant, really. It almost brings a tear to my eye.

"Pft….what is THIS?"

Snapped out of my daydreams of customer conquering, I turned and was greeted by a devastatingly awful bowl-shaped haircut, and a vibrantly sickening orange jumpsuit. Reeling back, I realized with horror that this abomination on the other side of my stand, was none other than the piranha-gun firing Victrola nerd from the bank.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?

Collecting myself as calmly as I could, I replied back with a slight screech, "This is my business! What are you, a villain of stalking?"

"Stalking? This is a public sidewalk and you're right next to my house!" He pointed over at the large dome with a humongous 'V' plastered on his front gate.

Huh. Why hadn't I noticed that?

"Psh! Well I don't care. Go bother someone else with your…" I gestured with my hands for him to 'schoochy-schooch' away. "….Annoyingness."

He propped his elbows up on my stand, leaning forward to rest his chin on his hands. "So. This is your business? You're selling…" He reached out, fiddling with one of the plastic cups. "…Drinks?"

I reached out, snatching it away from him in an embarrassed, somewhat offended manner before glaring at him. "Well since the bank won't give me a loan, YEAH. Now if you don't mind, you're in the way of my customers."

He leaned up, looking both ways down the deserted street, a lone bird cawing in the distance.

"...Right." He smirked. I crossed my arms, choosing to ignore his presence instead, hoping if I looked as uncaring as possible he'd finally just leave.

"Bank didn't give you the loan huhn?" He mused, and I flinched at the prospect he was still there. "You know… if you told me your plan, I could definitely put in a good word for you."

Oh right. That was a laugh. Vector of all people putting in a good word for ME. Him, with the orange pajamas and creepiness.

"Hah!" I snorted. "That's a good one. You're funny. You're HYSTERICAL." I grinned goofily, snort-laughing all the while, finally making another schooching motion with my hand. "Yes yes, I thank you for your attempt for 'helpfulness' but I need it not. Now run along to your air-conditioned fortress of lameness and leave me be."

Vector glared somewhat angrily at me before swiping up another cup, starting to down the liquid contents in it. "You'll never become a real villain with that kind of attitude. And if you expect to do it by selling lemonade, YOU'RE the hysterical one!"

"Oh ho- so you might think. But my business is fool-proof! Perhaps I would fail if I were to charge the NORMAL price on a cup of lemonade. I'm charging one BILLION dollars for each cup! BWA HA HA!" I threw my hands up, laughing maliciously, his response being a blank stare of incredulousness.

"…Yeah. No one's going to buy that."

"Pah! You're too far away to touch the brilliance that is my brains. Don't you see? First I get them to DRINK the beverage and THEN I tell them how much it costs. But they've already drank it so they MUST pay!" I grinned sinisterly at him, even then he clearly didn't take me seriously.

He started to laugh, almost spitting out the mouthful of his drink back into his cup. He doubled over, in hysterics. "Yuh-you're serious?" He finally got a hold of himself long enough to look at my cross face.

"Well I give you points for trying." He laughed again. "But really- I can help you get a loan. We'll split whatever profit's made. 60/40. 60 being for me of course, for helping you."

"No thanks, Nerdzilla. I can obtain my OWN cash. I'm not co-dependent! Besides, my plan is MINE and no one else's! I'll prove to everyone I'm the greatest villain in the world!" I cried valiantly.

"…Fine. But don't expect anything at this rate." He finished off the last of his beverage before crumpling the cup and flicking it onto my table. "When you get tired of selling crappy lemonade to NOBODY, you just let me know." He grinned smugly, tilting up his glasses to wink at me. He began to walk off, his little orange pajamas making an annoying screechy sound.

"Hey Vector!" I yelled out, leaning over my stand. He turned and I smirked evilly at him, "That wasn't lemonade."

He stared at me for a few moments before his face reflected off several emotions, realization, and then utter disgust before slapping a hand to his mouth looking ready to hurl before running towards his house.

Well you know what they say. When life gives you lemons, use something else instead.


End file.
